for these few days and weeks, Allah has knocked my sealed door of broken heart.
of broken heart that I tried to regain back the strength.
I was lost in the dark forest.
in searching for the sweet days I had before,
when there were only me and HIM.
I tried to check back my deeds, my intentions, my attitudes
and just everything.
It suffocates my mind,
blocked my breath
as I am struggling hard enough.
Not to mention, whether I have my support system or not,
It is just me who don't share much.
Of what I am thinking,
and what I am feeling.
I held up too much of hidden issues within myself.
It feels like a pressure cooker or time-bomb,
waiting to explode.
Time keeps on moving.
And indeed, Iman has its own lowest time and rise until it reaches the peak of it.
For the past weeks, Allah has indeed sent reminders;
in ways of deaths.
in ways of natural disaster.
How the raindrops finally make their ways to the earth,
That us how I feel last night.
Ponder for whatever I have been neglecting before.
Reaching and grasping back the essence that I have been less paying attention to.
Can I get married soon?
That is not the issue.
The issue is, how am I preparing myself
for the unexpected events in future that I have no idea of them coming squashing into my life.
Either one by one at a time,
or hundreds at once.
At some time of life,
death is the best way to get away from all this hassle and bustle that have been in my mind since I don't know when.
Or for the best sake, be like Yusuf,
whom that said ,
"To be in prison as a prisoner is better than getting trapped in the dunya".
I am not going to cut my wrist and let the blood spill out of the veins . harshly.
But in a way,
just prayers of,
"To have Khusnul Khotimah"
I hate of thinking too much.
It made me feel depressed somehow and it reflects on my face and slows my actions.
I miss being content and happy.
I need to know,
"Am I in the right way? Please, don't let me be astray again."
Cukuplah mati itu sebagai peringatan buat diri ini.