Dengan Nama Allah Yang Maha Pemurah Lagi Maha Pengasih.
I guess that's the only word that could describe this whole journey. At first I was thinking to write every month, then I extend it for every trimester's blog post. But then, here I am, at 39th week, writing a whole write up of my journey. Inshaallah.
For my safe-keeping here. Because, every story shall be kept in writings, even I got lazy at times >.<
Blame the age, or my procrastination habit? hihi.
Where should I begin?
After a year of marriage, Alhamdulillah I am blessed with this little seed. At first, I got myself pressured honestly despite knowing that husband and I made a promise of "One Honeymoon Year". But then, as the months went by, I felt different. I need to check, whether I am Ok or not.
and the moment, when I Beraya in Perak, there's one nenek angkat who is so-not-related to the family, went off and asked
"Oh dah setahun ya kahwin? Takde anak lagi?"
Yeah, I tried to keep calm and husnudzon till deep down to the core, this nenek is just asking for the sake of silaturrahim. But it hurts tho. It feels like, hurmm makcik saya tengah honeymoon year ni. Sukati saya lah >,<
There's also a friend, who condemned me when I said that we are having a Honeymoon Year. the cliche ones are
"Kau tak payah plan plan. Nanti ada rezeki tu." and "Kau plan nanti, kalau Allah tak bagi terus baru tahu"
erk, babe I don't think I need you to threaten me with Allah's plan. I myself to be sincere, in the first year of marriage was struggling with my busines & income. I don't want to give burden to anyone, Yes husband is able to feed me. But then, I want to have a stable life first, before I am able to strive a living for a growing family. I want to build my Business first, because I know in my line, I need full strength and effort. And most important, I want to give the best that I could afford to my children, I need to work hard for it, I don't want to be questioned by Allah if I couldn't provide their hak and needs later on. (even I am just a wife, I am a mother still) Hal Anak berkaitan Amanah yang perlu dijaga sebaiknya.
Indeed, our rezq is different. Why compare mine with yours? or vice versa.
Allahuakbar. I am always not the one to argue, but I know my stand and only Allah is my Best Listener. I trust Him to the Fullest. My Doa' was,
"Allah, you know when is the right timing, when I am able to cope with a new life. Keep me sabr' and have a strong heart to your plan"
Allah boleh je nak bagi kita dua-dua.
But then, Allah Maha Tahu.
Banyak lagi nikmat yang kita dustakan, tapi Allah dah beri. Betul tak?
I am superThankful that Allah gave me the chance to feel, the feeling of that for a year. So that, I will appreciate even more and never be the person who is so easy to give judgement to others but instead, to be a listener or someone who could soothes their hearts and worry-ness. InshaAllah.
Am I Okay?
After I got pressured by my surrounding. Yeah the pressure was real. Alhamdulillah I cope it well and transfer the energy to my business. (Sebab saya rasa, Allah nak suruh saya kerja kuat kuat Tahun Pertama kahwin since I have lesser commitment - financially, physically) So I tried to chill.
But somehow, I did discussed with le' husband about our plan of Honeymoon Year. Yes we did try to conceive, but the rezq hasn't come yet. I convinced him, why we must try to conceive early before its too late, and it's all for health purpose and we need to know what's going on with our body. Since I met few friends who shared with me their stories of trying to conceive. I got scared. Bukan takut apa, tapi cumanya, Ye lah kita tak check, so kita takut of not knowing.
My advise to anyone, Try to conceive naturally and if it doesn't work, GET HELP. Nothing to be ashamed of. Kita kan hamba Allah yang diuji dari segenap bentuk, jadi ketepikan rasa itu untuk sesuatu yang lebih baik ya :)
And to me, my first step (usaha) was to start count my period chart. Seriously do it! Download the Apps and check on your dates. Yeah you can read more on specific blogs on this. I hope it works to you. Inshaallah.
I don't know how or when it works ya. It is all in Allah's will.
Ada one time, almost a month I don't get my period. I freaked out a bit. And went off to Klinik Dr Anis w/out telling my husband. My purpose at that time was to check if my body is okay, whether I have cyst or whatever abnormalities or most of all if I AM PREGNANT (walaupun masa tu rasa rendah sangat tendency nya, sebab dah try Urine Test at Home and its Negative)
The doctor checked on me, and its empty. Yes as what I have expected. I got myself calmed, and asked why I am missing my period ?
So the answer given by the doc was, "Probably you are so stressed or busy? If after one week you tak datang period lagi, then you datang balik ke klinik ya."
Okay. I accept that. Maybe. Honestly my schedule naik turun KL, and memang kinda stress with works & life maybe? and wanting to conceive at the same time? My hormone got confused with what I want ...
Alhamdulillah there's no abnormalities, cyst or anything found during the scan. It made me super relieved despite of the fact that I am not Pregnant. But at least, everything is Okay. I shall be Thankful, and try more? aite. hihi
After a week, my period came off as usual. So yeah.
One Month After.
As the days went by, I just keep it low and normal. A month after my previous freak-out-check up; I missed my period again. So this time, I betul betul nak pastikan that there's a seed first before getting too excited, AGAIN.
I tried UPT test again. using cheap Watsons test kit.
and it came to my surprise. "Positive!"
I shouted euphoria-cally and went showing it off to my husband.
but then, I said to myself, salah kot ni. sebab line kedua samar samar. Yeah, I pushed my self esteem and confidence to the bottom rock, not wanting to get the False Alarm for the Second time.
So, I bought another test kit yang mahal and macam pro sikit the next day.
It is still showing "Double Line"
Hurm... So I told myself and husband that, Ok don't get too excited. Let's go for check up at Klinik Dr Anis just to get it confirmed!
Some of my points for my V-log.
Which I am posting it here first.
1. Checked my period wasn't stable for few months before. Scanned, empty rahim. its just hormone
masa baru tahu pregnant, esok nya naik KL naik bus. utk uruskan claim client. mmg mual but kuat2 kan
2. Keadaan 1st Trim - teruk, muntah2, panic attack few spotting, check ups, doctors asked to rest
3. Tak naik ofis - bersyukur dpt kerja in the best situation. But dont take it as wrong advantages. Tq bosses & buddies (dtg rumah, bawakkan food)
4. Tak boleh bau minyak. masak2. Muntah2. So thankful husband is all there. Tak boleh keluar rumah & drive sgt
5. Not yet to break the news. but Alhamdulillah already 13 weeks. grow beautifully, baby
6. Pengajaran thru out this journey ; sabar. I was in the midst nak kejar achievement for my work, than this Anugerah datang. So happy, but yet i was clueless. Hopefully I am superGreat for the next few months to go!
Supposedly, I am now on a trip to Terengganu, but changed to Perak instead.
However, I am still in the midst of settling my own challenge,
The husband asked and begged me to stay in JB, and get myself done, here.
I met a couple,
who were so humble and I did managed to provide them my business. Out of nowhere, Rezeki Allah itu ada.
After sending off Husband to the bus station, visited Kak Ecam in KPJ Putri.
Adam was sick, and got admitted. I hope both of us manage to qualify.
Win or Win.
I am tired,
I am super exhausted.
But I am not yet to give up.
O' Allah, I will remember this day forever.
When I do success in the field I am in, please remind me of these days.
Sacrifices from everyone,
and I shall contribute back to them.
It is the end of February, and it is almost 2 am. and I couldn't sleep yet.
This blog is still a favorite place of mine, Facebook is too clustered, Instagram too and Twitter is only only few sentences.
So, here it goes.
Of thoughts and hope.
Somehow, we could expect things to change, but sometimes it stays how it is. And we force ourselves to keep appreciating for what we have because they are many others who are begging to be in our place and to have what we have.
I have been bombarded by typical questions, and up till one extend I caught myself so pressured and tensed over the expectation of others on me. Sadly, sometimes I got no support or lack of it, to actually convince me it is Alright. Everything is Fine. I do get it sometimes, but yeah. It hurts.
At times, I got myself gloomy, and only myself know how I am battling against it. It is so true that, only Allah is with us. Only Allah listens, Only Allah sees, Only Allah knows what is in out hearts. Therefore, I beg Him to always give me strength and to look at everything that happens with Hikmah.
For now, my focus is directed to my work. I am filling up my time, planning my career, build up my stairs of achievement that I can somehow be satisfied for. I know, some of you would say it is for worldly matter, worldly pleasure. But excuse me, it is my life after all. Most probably, that is how Allah is setting up for me. So, it is my duty to pick myself up and go forward in whatever I do best.
Alhamdulillah, I am catching up with my business. I learned the pace, and I have fallen in love in doing so. Facing up rejections, hurt me sometimes. But I try not to be a kiddo anymore. No pain, no gain. I know I am aiming for something big, so I shall respect my dream, yah?!
Allah counts all my deeds, even if I feel, I am so lonely in this road. But yeah, I do have supports from my loved ones sometimes.
One thing for sure, I ask my Lord is to keep me sane and not make me forgetting Akhirah, because after all, that's the highest aim of life, kan?
"Some friends would say to me, keep on inspiring, Mkay, you've inspired me"
Honestly, I don't know celah mana I do inspire you. But I am so thankful of that thoughts. I may seems strong, but I do have my vulnerable part inside. Everyone has that. But it is up to us, to flaunt and make use what's best in us. Betul tak?
So, instead of asking me hurtful questions, or giving me harsh comments; could anyone of us please what progress I have made in life? Other than that part, because for God sake, you just don't know anything behind everything. But in case if you want to give any helping hand, to help us plan our lives, to provide any funding for our future, than you may say it.
After all, keep your words to yourself.
Am I being too emotional? haha
I hope I am not, because sincerely, I don't say this out to those in front of their face. I only speak it out to you, dear bloggy. Thanks for always be there, despite me ignoring you for years. >,<
It has been a long time since the last update. Betul betul hibernation nih.
This space shall never be forgotten.
Since I was standard 5, I own a blog up till today. But life changes, things move forward and little that we know, the only time left is super limited.
I actually intended to update this blog yang berhabuk, earlier this year. However konon konon busy and penat, I prolonged it.
Just some quick recaps, For I shall remember when I am old.
August 2015, Got engaged with my bestfriend. Despite everything, we made it clear. Balik kampung tengah tengah exam English just for this E-day. A small ceremony with loved ones.
November 2015, Graduated from IIUM finally. Another Alhamdulillah! Convo with friends, family and a fiance. I didn't expect it to be that way, but Allah knows aite :)
January 2016, Joined PruBsn Takaful as part time Takaful Agent. At first I did it because nak cari side income for tabung kahwin. I did my istikharah only then I buat and started to do sale.
May 2016, Missed the Bangkok Trip due to last minute submission. Its okay tho, only to know hikmahnya the trip is a week after my wedding day.
June 2016, Resigned from Genius Aulad. A big decision so far, and putting much Tawakkul in Allah.
July 2016, to be exact 30th July 2016, changed my title from Miss to Mrs. Alhamdulillah, a ceremony full of love and support from family and friends. I couldn't repay their kindness with anything. It was pretty much awkward to have Azim as my husband as we often argued on things masa kawan kawan dulu. But yeah, I know why I chose him somehow. He is definitely an opposite of Maryam. He's my chill pill :)
August 2016, Bertandang in Parit Buntaq, Perak. I am so thankful to be in the family of Azim's. So much simplicity and love. I couldn't wish for more. I've always wanted a man with Kampung as my husband. Allah granted it well. Alhamdulillah, I enjoyed it and look forward for every Kampung trip up till today.
September 2016, Started to join Al-Isra JB Office, at first it was quite hard to start over, after so long I've lost the momentum. I cried a lot. Seriously, a lot. I took all my strength to do it, and challenge myself. The only reason for me to stay is, because of Amanah orang that I want to hold tight. O' Allah please give ease to me.
December 2016, I ended up my sales with 106,680 collection. I nearly hit my target for this year. However I was too exhausted. Perhaps, that's the rezeki for this year. I managed to pull thruu from 50k something yeah. Somehow, I achieved my husband's challenge and it's the most satisfying feeling I've ever had. The moment he said, "Congratulations, Now you can be a Full Time Agent", really put me on relief and took away the heavy feeling off my shoulder. Alhamdulillah
2015-2016 was so far the best years for me. I don't know what Allah has put me up in 2017. I hope it is all good ones. Still planning for Juniors, but less people know, we have so many of our own planning. Therefore, we'd just say, "When the perfect time comes, Allah will never delay"
So, I chill.
and yeah, currently I go by the name of #mrymbertakaful.
Bila dah hampir tiba ke penghujungnya, semua mulalah menapak dengan hidup masing-masing. Mencorak ke mana arah tuju yang nak digapai. And as for me, I still am not sure yet where I am going/ My inner battle between myself masih belum senggang dari aku. Probably sebab tuhan dah janji, selagi aku idup, selagi itulah aku akan diuji, akan diberi hati yang berbolak balik, diberi situasi yang berbagai ragam jenis.
Dan sejak akhir akhir ini, aku sering tertanya tentang "sacrifice-sacrifice" yang konon aku dah lakukan untuk diri sendiri. Which I thought would help me to lead better life. Pengorbanan adalah sepatutnya menjadi perkara rahsia antara aku dan tuhan. Antara aku dan orang orang yang tahu. Bukan?
Dan paling banyak, adalah melawan hal hal sendiri yang cuba menggugah jiwa.
Semoga, ada cahaya dihujung jalan. dan semoga aku dikurniakan sabar tanpa henti.
dan aku sangat rindu pengisian pengisian daurah or any spiritual talk. Mungkin sebab aku dah lama menjauh dari hal hal sebegitu dek kerana menyiapkan hal hal pembelajaran lah katanya.
Aku rindu, dan sekarang aku diuji dengan pengisian daurah
"Semangat Pemuda"... Sedih lah, bila dah mula rasa diri macam dah tua. Padahal semangat pemuda tu bukan pada umurnya, its in the spirit. You can be 40 but you are still youth at heart and work strong for people. I miss giving contribution to others, I hate this kind of life where fulfilling my own achievement is the solely goal for a time of period. Being stagnant and nothing ever excites me like before.
Oh baiklah, saya belajar untuk Ummah. Baru betul niat nya kan. So wait for my comeback, Kay people!
Aku rindu menaip dalam gelap begini.
Rasa bagai aku berbicara sendiri sewaktu dunia lain sedang nyenyak dalam mimpi yang sepi.
Beberapa minggu lagi semester ini akan berakhir,
dan kemudiannya ada lagi satu semester pendek berbaki dua bulan cuma. Ensyaallah.
Cepat betul masa berlalu.
Lima tahun di sini, segala macam pengalaman dan didikan diri aku telan terima, hadam dan kumuhkan...
Ada yang baik, aku mahu ingat sentiasa,
dan yang kurang baik, aku selalu jadikan sebagai pagar awas supaya aku jaga jaga.
Dan kadang, aku selalu ingatkan diri, agar jangan terlalu tinggi sangat pagar awas itu,
kadang pagar itu berantai, menggari kaki dari terbang tinggi,
dan bermimpi indah
mengorak langkah jauh lagi.
Adakah ini simptom penuaan?
Seperti mula menerima apa adanya,
Seperti mula melihat kenangan lama hanyalah seperti helaian muka surat lalu masa lampau,
dan tak lebih dari itu.
As I get older, I realized its time to detach in order to attach.
If only you could understand.
Sudah sudah lah dengan dunia yang bergemerlapan,
dan orang orang yang menyeksakan.
Sudah sudah lah dengan terlalu ingin mengejar harta yang tak akan di bawa mati.
dan cinta yang memperbaiki diri.
Jujur aku katakan aku rindu pada jiwa dan semangat aku yang dulu,
tak pernah takut nak mencuba sesuatu,
even if it means to hurt my feeling, and to bruise my skin.
I don't know why it feels like something is holding me back,
not letting me to soar up high, exploring world and meeting new ones with no fear.
Mungkin, kerana kini aku dah kenal sisi sisi tanggungjawab.
Mahu membalas jasa ibu bapa
dan meneruskan cinta kemudian berumah tangga.
" A true love, will bring the best out of you"
dan kenapa kau takut untuk menjadi yang terbaik walau ianya hanya adalah untukmu?
dan kerana itu lah, dengan sisa berbaki selama beberapa hari ini,
aku gigihkan untuk menjadi seperti Maryam sewaktu zaman sekolah dulu,
budak nerd dan tekun.
ah, aku rindu.
but I do get over-stressed out sometimes,
alhamdulillah , tuhan masih ada.
manusia yang kasih juga masih ada.
p/s : memang kalau lampu malap, mood menulis bercerita ni memang lebih sikit ke?