180607 A journey of Nine Months Part 1

Dengan Nama Allah Yang Maha Pemurah Lagi Maha Pengasih.

"Alhamdulillah",
I guess that's the only word that could describe this whole journey. At first I was thinking to write every month, then I extend it for every trimester's blog post. But then, here I am, at 39th week, writing a whole write up of my journey. Inshaallah.

For my safe-keeping here. Because, every story shall be kept in writings, even I got lazy at times >.<

Blame the age, or my procrastination habit? hihi.

Where should I begin?

...

Honeymoon Year. 

After a year of marriage, Alhamdulillah I am blessed with this little seed. At first, I got myself pressured honestly despite knowing that husband and I made a promise of "One Honeymoon Year". But then, as the months went by, I felt different. I need to check, whether I am Ok or not. 

and the moment, when I Beraya in Perak, there's one nenek angkat who is so-not-related to the family, went off and asked 

"Oh dah setahun ya kahwin? Takde anak lagi?"

Yeah, I tried to keep calm and husnudzon till deep down to the core, this nenek is just asking for the sake of silaturrahim. But it hurts tho. It feels like, hurmm makcik saya tengah honeymoon year ni. Sukati saya lah >,<

There's also a friend, who condemned me when I said that we are having a Honeymoon Year. the cliche ones are 

"Kau tak payah plan plan. Nanti ada rezeki tu." and "Kau plan nanti, kalau Allah tak bagi terus baru tahu" 

erk, babe I don't think I need you to threaten me with Allah's plan. I myself to be sincere, in the first year of marriage was struggling with my busines & income. I don't want to give burden to anyone, Yes husband is able to feed me. But then, I want to have a stable life first, before I am able to strive a living for a growing family. I want to build my Business first, because I know in my line, I need full strength and effort. And most important, I want to give the best that I could afford to my children, I need to work hard for it, I don't want to be questioned by Allah if I couldn't provide their hak and needs later on. (even I am just a wife, I am a mother still) Hal Anak berkaitan Amanah yang perlu dijaga sebaiknya.
Indeed, our rezq is different. Why compare mine with yours? or vice versa.

Allahuakbar. I am always not the one to argue, but I know my stand and only Allah is my Best Listener. I trust Him to the Fullest. My Doa' was,

"Allah, you know when is the right timing, when I am able to cope with a new life. Keep me sabr' and have a strong heart to your plan"

Allah boleh je nak bagi kita dua-dua. 

But then, Allah Maha Tahu.

Banyak lagi nikmat yang kita dustakan, tapi Allah dah beri. Betul tak?

I am superThankful that Allah gave me the chance to feel, the feeling of that for a year. So that, I will appreciate even more and never be the person who is so easy to give judgement to others but instead, to be a listener or someone who could soothes their hearts and worry-ness. InshaAllah.

 ...

Am I Okay?

After I got pressured by my surrounding. Yeah the pressure was real. Alhamdulillah I cope it well and transfer the energy to my business. (Sebab saya rasa, Allah nak suruh saya kerja kuat kuat Tahun Pertama kahwin since I have lesser commitment - financially, physically) So I tried to chill.

But somehow, I did discussed with le' husband about our plan of  Honeymoon Year. Yes we did try to conceive, but the rezq hasn't come yet. I convinced him, why we must try to conceive early before its too late, and it's all for health purpose and we need to know what's going on with our body. Since I met few friends who shared with me their stories of trying to conceive. I got scared. Bukan takut apa, tapi cumanya, Ye lah kita tak check, so kita takut of not knowing.

My advise to anyone, Try to conceive naturally and if it doesn't work, GET HELP. Nothing to be ashamed of. Kita kan hamba Allah yang diuji dari segenap bentuk, jadi ketepikan rasa itu untuk sesuatu yang lebih baik ya :)

And to me, my first step (usaha) was to start count my period chart. Seriously do it! Download the Apps and check on your dates. Yeah you can read more on specific blogs on this. I hope it works to you. Inshaallah.

I don't know how or when it works ya. It is all in Allah's will.

Ada one time, almost a month I don't get my period. I freaked out a bit. And went off to Klinik Dr Anis w/out telling my husband. My purpose at that time was to check if my body is okay, whether I have cyst or whatever abnormalities or most of all if I AM PREGNANT (walaupun masa tu rasa rendah sangat tendency nya, sebab dah try Urine Test at Home and its Negative)

The doctor checked on me, and its empty. Yes as what I have expected. I got myself calmed, and asked why I am missing my period ?

So the answer given by the doc was, "Probably you are so stressed or busy? If after one week you tak datang period lagi, then you datang balik ke klinik ya."

Okay. I accept that. Maybe. Honestly my schedule naik turun KL, and memang kinda stress with works & life maybe? and wanting to conceive at the same time? My hormone got confused with what I want ...

Alhamdulillah there's no abnormalities, cyst or anything found during the scan. It made me super relieved despite of the fact that I am not Pregnant. But at least, everything is Okay. I shall be Thankful, and try more? aite. hihi 

After a week, my period came off as usual. So yeah.

...

One Month After.

As the days went by, I just keep it low and normal. A month after my previous freak-out-check up; I missed my period again. So this time, I betul betul nak pastikan that there's a seed first before getting too excited, AGAIN. 

I tried UPT test again. using cheap Watsons test kit. 

and it came to my surprise. "Positive!"

I shouted euphoria-cally and went showing it off to my husband. 

but then, I said to myself, salah kot ni. sebab line kedua samar samar. Yeah, I pushed my self esteem and confidence to the bottom rock, not wanting to get the False Alarm for the Second time.

So, I bought another test kit yang mahal and macam pro sikit the next day.

It is still showing "Double Line"

Hurm... So I told myself and husband that, Ok don't get too excited. Let's go for check up at Klinik Dr Anis just to get it confirmed!

-To Be Continued-