035. She said this is random. Trust her.

Salam alaykum. 

This is not an entry regarding Eid 1432H.  Honestly, saya masih rindu akan Ramadhan. dan kadang-kadang saya terfikir jika kemanisan Ramadhan itu mampu atau tidak saya bawa ke bulan-bulan berikutnya. 

Sometimes, i do need to take a rest from this hectic world.

and when i think i am fully recharged, i'll do my own appearance.

that's my plan.

diam.

say hello.

diam.

say hello again.

dan mungkin diam terus di dalam balutan kain putih, seterusnya.

Alhamdulillah, beberapa perancangan cuti sekolah terlaksana walaupun ada khilaf sana sini (regarding meeting my friends here and learn to cook for full time and etcera etcera) Kadang-kadang macam tak percaya, for some things in life, I do capable of doing so. Cuma bezanya dengan zaman sekolah, dalam hidup secara zahirnya, kita tidak diberi piala atau pun nombor kedudukan atas "pencapaian" kita. Hanya kita yang mampu menilai prestasi diri. Lebih baik dari semalam atau tidak.

I once read, if you do the same thing as yesterday's, you are leading to a big failure. Dulu masa cuti yang panjang, pernah tak buat apa-apa di rumah. Sekadar bertemankan laptop. And this quote hit me to get back to the reality. Imagine, if in our life we do nothing to improve ourselves, at least a lil' bit of progress will change your life in some ways, kan?

Senang kata, jangan buat perkara yang sama for a long period. Do something for your life. Make your time living, worthwhile. And by aiming to do so, it is not just a written dream.

Make it happen!

Kadang-kadang dalam hidup, we are our best self-motivator. Nak jatuh nak bangun, is always up to us. And I am putting this as a big reminder for me.

Tipulah kalau saya kata, hidup gembira tanpa rasa nak sedih-sedih walau sekelumit. Cuma kadang-kadang, saya teringat pesanan orang    "Jangan samakan hati yang sudah ditarbiyah dan yang belum". 

I may not be that perfect in observing things. I miss the isolation periods, the loneliness I had and stuffs like that, but somehow i do have people who are much attached to me. So to maintain everything, I have to keep everything cool in a way of  "terjaga". InsyaAllah.

But dealing with people, with me who has many flaws in myself ; it gets very uncertain. You see, when you expect people to treat you in the right way, but they just don't. You will be surely get pissed off. But when you put at heart the seal of  "Hati saya sudah ditarbiyah" , the pissed off moment will InsyaAllah can be handled. 

Not easily, but InsyaAllah.

Second fact I had on my mind is about ; Life.

Contoh ; Apa segala benda dalam dunia kita buat, kadang-kadang tak bagi kesan lansung pun pada orang lain.

Pernah tak terfikir kalau awak berubah jadi ustazah esok, tak layan sesiapa, and etcera etcera , dan manusia sekeliling awak akan react lain terhadap awak. To be worst, they get away from you in a harsh way. Atau, semua manusia sekeliling menjadikan awak ikon terbaik. and etcera etcera.

You see , people are just too busy with their own stuffs. They don't care much. Stop being too concern until you can't even take your own breath. We are living in this suffocated world. Where people who judges are more than those who helps. It is true, Man. Been there, done that.

So what to expect?

People won't change, just because you change (except if you are incredibly meaningful to them)

In life, there are things that you just have to do it. Stop to wait for others to say "Yes you can do it".

because if you do wait,

and after a long tiring wait,

sometimes,

there would just be no one.

only you 

and Allah.

Its always about this one most valuable and romantikus relationship that you have with the Almighty, that guides you and makes you strong. Even if you are in a great despair. 

Its always makes me wonder, how do strong people maintain their strength. Its not about physical strength, I mean. I do know now, its always better to keep it silent. Issues of us should remain secrets. Put a smile and be the actor on your own stage of life. 

I hate writing with no purpose like I am doing now. But seriously, these craps are just need to be written down or else, they will keep on bugging my head for days and nights. Seriously tak tipu.

Mungkin sekarang kalau saya bersedih, saya akan senyap. dan fikiran saya akan menerawang ke ruang yang lebih besar yang saya miliki iaitu ;

"My own imagination".

Semester baru dah nak mula, dengan segala azam baru yang ada. Saya harap kendongan ini tidak tercicir sepanjang hari-hari yang bakal saya tempuhi.

Yes, I am doing this alone.

I take the risk.

I start all over again.

I shut my ears for those nasty comments that would bring me down.

I shut my eyes for those stares that would make me cry.

I just pray for HIM to be with me for everytime. Nothing more I beg. Nothing more I wish.

Perjalanan lebih indah, jika saya sendiri lebih bijak mengatur momen-momen itu. 

Jujurnya saya mahu beritahu ; saya tak terfikir saya akan mampu hidup sampai esok. Setiap detik yang seterusnya adalah rahsia Tuhan. Sedikit mana pun kita tak dapat korek rahsia itu.

I do miss creating the distance mission. 

The urge to say hello but I just can't. But somehow I just did.

The urge of everything, but I know I just have to stop having those insanity running thru my mind and all that.

Maybe there is just a little thing I should let it go?

And you think you could read my mind,, but surely do ;

you never are.

I sealed everything.

everything.

I looked from afar.

I smiled from afar.

I write from afar.

in discrete.

in silent.

until forever it may takes.

and I don't hope the readers would get my point of my scribbled letter here.

Salam alaykum.

No looking back. You are born as a fighter, stay living as a fighter, and finally die as one! - M.